To My 27-Year Old Self

Life (2)


Jiri Wagner

Today is the first day of June and only six days until I say goodbye to you. A new year in my life will begin – a new chapter in my book will be written. I am excited. I am hopeful. But I cannot say goodbye without saying a couple of things. It was, after all, a great year, right?

It was around 8PM on a rainy night in Baguio City. I was sitting in the colourful 50s Diner waiting for my order to come. It was a huge platter of my favourite American fare – hotdogs, shrimps, porkchops, fried chicken. Oh, it was a sight to behold. I had a great day. I went around Baguio, indulged in a hearty lunch and slept well in the afternoon considering that it was raining and very cold outside. I welcomed you in one of my most favourite cities and I couldn’t ask for more. While I was digging into the huge platter, however, tears started falling from my eyes. We both knew it was about to happen and it did. I didn’t plan it but I couldn’t stop it either. The tears had to fall. My heart was aching and it deserved a good cry. So, I did – right in the middle of beautiful 50s Diner. I felt better after, thankfully, and hoped it would be my last time to cry. I enjoyed the rest of that night on the 7th of June, 2014. It was, after all, the day I welcomed you. I had the highest hopes that it would be the best year yet.

I came home happy and recharged. I went back to my every day routine looking forward to what will be in store for me in the next few months. We were still warming up then but I knew instantly that you would be a great buddy. You had one of my favourite numbers, after all. But at the end of June, I received the call I never wanted to get. The next few months would be the most difficult in my life. I lost one of my beloved family members to cancer. I lost a relationship that I held on so strongly for the last five years. I lost some of my closest friends at work. It was difficult, to say the least. It was probably the worst times of my life. You know when you think that there would never be anything as painful as a broken heart? There is – that is when everything you feared the most happens all at once. That moment they call “the breaking point,” I’ve been there and it’s not easy.

There were good days though – a lot of them actually. It all started on that sunny September afternoon. I didn’t expect it to happen but maybe, there was a part of me that was hoping it would happen. It took me almost three years that I had something in my heart. I tried to rewind the memories and saw the clues. Maybe, I just didn’t bother too much about those clues because of commitment. It happened, however. I was hesitant. I could still remember the thoughts in my head at that moment. I always tried to be logical with my decisions but at that moment, I told God, “I go wherever You lead me.” The days after that were blissful, perfect even. I never pictured myself being in love that way, but I did. I was on cloud nine. A bitter reality stung me though. It was probably one of the hardest blows I’ve received in my life. It hurt so much. It felt like my world broke down right before my very eyes. The truth does set you free but first, it will really piss you off and hurt you.

Thankfully, the days became better again. We celebrated Christmas and welcomed 2015 in the most awesome way yet. At that moment, I didn’t have a lot of wishes – I just had one. Only you and I both know what it was. We traversed through the first few months of the year together. There were ups and downs, for sure, but we glided through them like a pro. Now, it’s only six days until I say goodbye to you.

My dear 27th, you were awesome. You deserve more than a pat in the back – you are worthy of an award, a holiday getaway, a new house, a flashy car, a new piece of Cartier jewellery and everything else this world has to offer. We’ve been through a hell of a ride together and we stood strong. You taught me a lot about life, love and everything else. You showed me my full capacity to love, to forgive, to give second chances, to understand, to be patient, to be resilient and to be a survivor. I’ve gone through the worst possible situations and lost a lot. But you gave me something to hope for – that better things are coming my way. You made me believe in the power of faith. You helped me let go and let God. You were in the dark with me. You held my hand when all I had was an empty room and a weary pillow. You helped me find that last ounce of courage when I felt I didn’t have any left. You guided me through those pitch black moments. You never left my side.

It was a great year with you. I would never have it any other way. Thank you for everything. You were awesome and I am deeply proud of you my dear 27th. I really am. Now, cheers to 28th that I will welcome in the next six days. πŸ™‚


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